centurion7v9

I'm not ignoring this. It's just been crazy busy. I'll post something soon...I think.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of “choice”. It’s an ongoing debate throughout the Church between Calvinists, Arminianists, and everyone in between, and most of those “in betweens” just ignore the topic. I’m finding the argument almost inescapable in writing my book, so I need to confront the issue in real life before I can address it in my “literary” life. (A major portion of the book is comprised of arguments made for and against God and His goodness, which is why this is so hard to get around.)

I grew up Calvinist, for the most part. In short it’s the belief that everything is ordained by God before hand. He has a perfect plan that is ordered down to the last detail. Your salvation was based on His “election” (meaning He chose you) and you are only able to receive salvation because you have already been chosen (predestined). Nothing happens without God’s say-so. Only those He chose are saved, and those He hasn’t chosen are, logically, chosen for condemnation.

Now I’m much more of an Arminianist, which is the view that you have been given free will and you freely choose salvation through Jesus, and that this salvation is open to all. I’m only going to give these super brief descriptions because I don’t really want to talk about the nature of the salvation decision. I’m just setting the context for my approach to every other decision.

I have discovered that, despite having an “Arminianist” theology, many people around me (also Arminian) including myself have a very Calvinist view of God concerning every other decision we make after salvation. As if we chose salvation, but then every choice after that is pre-ordained. I have friends who spend months praying about which car to purchase, so that they buy the “right one”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% for praying for direction, but there comes a point where you need to just make a decision.

They (I) need to stop being a bastard (I mean that in the purest sense). God is not looking to raise up a bunch of insecure children that beg and plead for Him to make every decision for them. He is raising up sons. Sons make decisions even if the wind up being the wrong one. Sons are not afraid of being disciplined for making a wrong decision (I’m not talking about disobedience). Picture a father holding up two crayons and asking his son to make a choice, the boy choses one and the father immediately yells “Wrong!” and punishes the child for his choice. It’s a terrible picture, but how often do we view God this way?

This is not a “do whatever you want” card, however. There is a maturing process that must take place first. It would be irresponsible for a parent to give their one month old child a choice in what they should eat. They are not able to make correct decisions based on their own knowledge. They don’t know better. As the child grows, more and more choices are given until they finally become “independent”. (When done correctly, this independence is not “self-dependence” but becomes a lifestyle of seeking council and wisdom where it is found.) This is God’s goal as a Father. He wants mature sons that can walk in His authority and make right decisions as He has trained them to do.

The “partial Calvinism” throws a wrench in this plan, however. If you believe that there is only one decision to be made in any situation (which is not to say that this is never the case), then you’ll never step out to make a choice unless you’ve “put your fleece out” (see Judges 6). You’ll be stunting your growth as a son or daughter.

I was driving around a few weeks ago and just speaking with God and was asking Him about certain choices I need to make, and He gave me a picture that helped me understand the whole process so much better. If you take a guitar and tune each string to a note within a single chord or scale, you can essentially play any note you’d like in any order and it will make a musical sound. You can’t go wrong. He was showing me that He is able to order things in such a way that whether you turn to the left or to the right, He is there. All things work together for the good of those who love Him. As long as you’re “in tune”, submitted to Him and pursuing Him, you can’t make a wrong choice. (Not to mention, if a choice were truly wrong would He really keep quiet on it?)

There are plenty of caveats within this, because it really needs to be brought about in maturity, but the point is that this is the goal. We should be prepared to make choices when He gives them to us, and not always expect Him to thunder from Heaven every time we hit a crossroad.


…all for now.

Just FYI, I am not ignoring this, I am just stalling. There's a massive post coming, just not sure when exactly.


....cliff hanger.

A few days ago I decided to go back through some of my old posts over the last few years. Some of the things I found were interesting; others just frustrating.

For starters, I was sooo "oversaved" back then. Even just three years ago, every post felt like reading from the Elijah list. It felt like every other word was some "christianese" word that I've grown to have a great distaste for. As I think back, when I was using those words they did have real meaning to me, but they did not have real weight. They were just regurgitated phrases applied to situations from a carnal mind figuring things out the way it was taught. "Problem A" requires Scripture 1, 2, and 3, and is applied through "catchphrase I" with "catchphrase II". Life was a formula needing solving, and I had an arsenal of symbols to enter in.

Even if my conclusions were accurate and true...even if I had revelation behind them, it was all so clouded in christianese that it lost its meaning. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against people who use "christianese" words. The issue isn't with the use of these words, it's that the words themselves tend to take on meanings beyond what they were originally intended because of the way our minds work. You hear a word once, you learn what it means, you use it. Now every time the word is used from that point on, added meaning is given to it...even if it's used incorrectly. That's how slang is developed. (For example, "Epic". It used to be just a long poem involving heroicism. Then it became any kind of large scale heroic story. Now it's equivalent to "extreme" or "amazing".) The same thing happens with christian terminology. It's become slang, and has lost its original intent. The metaphors have become the message.

We're the "Bride of Christ"...great. People walk around claiming they are married to Jesus, and if they are really "prophetic" they even have a ceremony (note: this is not a criticism of anyone individual devotion. I encourage it all.), but the reality of the matter is that Jesus used marriage as just ONE of the symbols to describe who we are in Him. We are so much more than Brides in Him. We are more than sons and daughters, more than friends, more than servants, because He is more than any of those relationship combined can capture. We can appreciate the symbolism He's given us, but we can't stop there. There is so much more of Him to find out.

But I digress...My point is that looking back on my past has made me realize, in a way, how far I've come. The older I get, the more balanced I seem to become (unless I'm just oblivious to how I extreme I really am). Every "word" I'd get, I'd go running off in my mind to find out where to go with it, when I should have just brought it before God to find its proper place. Then I got to a place where I'd essentially reject every word, every dream, because nothing ever came to pass, when I should have just trusted in His timing. Now, I'm rebounding from the two extremes and finding Him in the midst.

I overcomplicate things. It's who He has designed me to be. (Not that He wants me to overcomplicate things, but He's given me the ability to break things down into all their different parts in my head. He's given me that for a purpose, but the backside of it is that I break down simple things that shouldn't be broken down....if that make sense.) So now I'm learning to simplify. I'm learning to stop overanalyzing, and stop thinking 20 steps ahead of every word or action. The plan is made for the man, not the man for the plan.

I realize I kind of went from point A to point 7 on this one, but there's a method to my madness (and a madness to my method). In short, there's a lot going on in me this season. My past is catching up to my present and is suddenly making sense. My future is connecting to my present and becoming clearer. My present is by all accounts confusing, but I'm at rest in it. I'm okay with the fact that I don't understand. I don't need to. I trust.


...all for now.

Ok, after some prayer, I've decided not to leave LJ. Although I disagree with what they support, I am not putting finances into their organization (by paying for my subscription or by visiting ads on the page), so whether I stay or leave it does not make a financial difference to LJ (the finances being my point of departure). So, bottom line, I'm staying.

...more to come.

I will admit, it has been a while since I’ve updated, and even longer since I’ve done a “public” update. I have been a little extra busy the past couple months, so when I intended to update things would come up and I wouldn’t. I don’t particularly feel like updating right now, but I’m going to force myself and maybe I’ll get some sort of revelation out of it.

For starters, I’ve officially joined Youthstorm staff. Personally, I didn’t see it as such big shift because I’ve always been involved in varying degree’s so to me it seemed like a small step to go full-time. Everyone around me, however, seems to see it as a “big deal”. I’m not sure I understand that entirely, but it’s noteworthy at least. Joining is something I’ve considered many times in the past, but until now I did not have the release to do so. I’m glad now that I’m on, though. There are plenty of reasons I joined, but the one that settles in me the most is a feeling that Youthstorm is about to grow dramatically as a ministry. Not that I’m “jumping on the bandwagon”, but I’m convinced this next move will require more staff in place in order to handle the increase.

In other news…I surprisingly pulled off an epic April Fools Day prank. I didn’t have time to plan anything big out, so on the fly I decided to change my relationship status to “engaged” on Facebook. Some people picked up on it as a joke right away, so I would promptly delete their comments…then I just watched as dozens fell for the prank. To top off the prank I asked Steve (someone who people respect as a source of reliable information) to comment on it congratulating me, and he went even further and made it really dramatic and insisted on officiating the wedding. That sent people who were doubtful over the edge. I was getting phone calls and text messages all from people wanting to know who I was engaged to. If they made the effort to contact me, I would tell them it was a joke. What I didn’t know at the time, however, was that people were calling Steve as well. He took the joke even further. He was actually telling people names! Fake names? No. Impossible names? No. He was telling people different names of girls who are actually in my closer circle of friends. He didn’t tell me who he told these names to, though, so there could be people out there that still believe I’m actually engaged (if they missed all my messages about it being a joke). Epic.

My book…has been on hold. I’m looking forward to kicking it back into gear now that my schedule is more steady at the office. I’ll be starting up school again this summer, so hopefully I can pound out some good chapters before then. I’ve taken a few turns with the plot that required a lot of prayer, so I’m glad I’ve taken this time off to get fresh vision. I really look forward to finishing it. I wouldn’t say it’s been a burden, but I will feel much lighter once it’s complete.

On a more personal note, I’ve been through the wringer this season. God’s been digging up a lot of old stuff concerning how I perceive Him and how I receive from Him. In some ways its been like a rollercoaster. Some days I’m feeling great, enjoying His presence, and receiving from Him, but then some days I’m completely frustrated with my inability to receive, and fighting against copping an attitude. I usually don’t notice I’m having one of those days until I find myself thinking cynically. I’ve been making a concerted effort to shut down my cynical thinking. It’s SO easy to be cynical about pretty much anything, because I “know so much” (translates = reads a lot, and as a result has a lot of opinions). I don’t want to be opinionated or cynical, however. I want to have an attitude of love in everything I do, and I can’t have that with a cynical attitude.
As a side result of my attention to cynicism, I’ve become much more aware of certain wounds that I have not dealt with concerning the Lord. I’m not going to get into detail, but its worth noting that the more rocks you pull out of your garden, the more rocks you seem to find. A little frustrating, but still good. Not that I imagined myself as doing “so well”, but the nature of the things I’m finding seem so basic. Intellectually I have “all the answers”, but the reality of things are so far beyond the intellect I need to just walk it out to get through.

…all for now.

Last week was kind of crazy. It's not that my schedule was particularly busy, or things were out of the ordinary, but internally things were all out of whack. I'm not entirely sure what brought it on, but I'm thinking it was probably something that built up over time. I first really started noticing it last Saturday. I kept catching myself coming up with mean jokes to post on peoples statuses and pictures, but then restraining myself. I had a lot of opportunities, so I began to take notice. Later that day I went out to eat with freinds and I caught myself doing the same thing. I was saying everything as a joke, but it was all pretty mean. This continued on through the next day.

I kept telling people that I didn't know what it was all about, and that I wasn't bitter or anything. To my knowledge, I wasn't, but when I quieted myself down for a bit, it turned out that I really was bitter, and hurt, and all sorts of mess. There wasn't one single thing that was bothering me, but a bunch of things together that hadn't bothered me in years.

I think what brought it on is the next season I'm heading into. I don't know anything for certain, but I know there are some big changes coming up, and the common thread throughout all the past issues that were coming up is that they were all a result of big changes. In the past, every time I'd step out for a big change, things would go horribly wrong. Whether it's relationships, school, career focus...anything that affects my whole life, my track record is pretty bad. I think God was confronting these things to keep them from holding me back from moving forward. When I thought about those things, they would stir up feelings of hesitency to go down those same roads again, so they were, in fact, a hindrance.

On the other side of these issues, there was an underlying feeling that I'm going it alone. Of course, it always traces back to my age old rejection/abandonment issues. I can never seem to find the limits of their impact. In careers, it's kept me from fully pursuing a certain field in the fear that one is not the right one, even though I know I'm capable of succeeding in any of them, there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong one, the Lord will not be able to use me fully. In relationships, its kept me from really pursuing any kind if serious relationship in the fear that if I choose the wrong girl then I'd just cause a lot of hurt for no reason. (Note: I'm not necesarily saying that I've passed up opportunities for careers, or relationships, but it's the mentality that is the issue.) In schooling, even though I only have a year left, I've been hesitant to going full time again because God took me out of my last school specifically, so there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong school I'll wind up in the same position.

Of course when I say (or write) any of these things out, it sound ridiculous, but these are the emotional responses that God stirred up in me this past week to clear them out. Of course, identifying the issues is just the first step. Traditionally (and ineffectively), I would get all introspective and try to examine all the nuances of the issues and try to change (with prayer of course, as any good religious action is done). This time around, I'm focusing on walking in the opposite spirit of my emotions (I believe I wrote about this a few months ago, actually). The Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. I repeat that throughout the day every time I'm confronted with these issues. This means He is fully physically and emotionally present with me, and He's not going anywhere. I can rest in that.

Since taking this stance, I've receive confirmations concerning several things in the next season, and I find myself almost bursting with anticipation. It's funny, when I think about what God is doing, so many things get put into perspective. The issues that held me back, suddenly find purpose, and the pain asssociated with them lose all hold. So regardless of what this next season brings, no matter what turns or obsticles arise, I'm holding on to the one hope of the Lord being with me through it all. Bring it.


...all for now.

 I realize my title is kind of cryptic, but I couldn't help myself. It's much more upbeat than it would appear, so bear with me.

Something unheard of has taken place! Many said it couldn't happen, others wished it wouldn't happen, and some are just ignorant, but to just about everyone (including myself) it's a surprise. No, I'm not getting married (badum dum). I have changed my eschatological stance. And in English, I've changed my stance on the End Times..... (dramatic pause for the gasps)....

In the past, I have been a staunch pre-milenial, post-tribulation, progressive dispensationalist. In short that means that I believed that Jesus was coming back at the end of the great tribulation (a time of great persecution, darkness, but also victory for the church), He would then establish His Kingdom on Earth for 1,000 years when Satan would be released from his chains to decieve the nations once more, and then the final judgement would come (that covers, the pre-mil, and post-trib terms). Progressive dispensationalism is the belief that the book of Revelation is describing both the fall of Jerusalem in 70AD, as well as the times leading up to the final end. Basically that there would be a dual fullfilment to the prophecy. (If any more explanation is needed, ask, but if these are completely foreign concepts to you, I could recomend a few books.)

So, as I said, this is what I believed. I had answers to almost all the questions and oppositions and could pretty much teach a course on the end-times from this position (I was asked to at one point, actually). In short, I was not a novice to the position or held the position because everyone else did. I did the research and found the answers I needed to believe. As a side note, this is the general belief that the International House of Prayer KC, holds concerning the end-times. They have plenty of resources on the topic. And that is where the problems began.

Last New Years I went to the OneThing conference, and the focus of the entire conference was on the end times and raising up faithful witnesses for the end times. At the end of the conference there was a call made to anyone that felt God had placed a forerunner call on to be a faithful witness. While I have recieved countless words about being a forerunner, when it came down to the call I could not get a release in my spirit to go forward. For some reason I couldn't settle in my heart to move forward to join myself to this movement. I was somewhat confused that this had taken place, but I didn't let it bother me too much.

Now, flash forward 7 months. A respected friend of mine started reading a book called Paradise Restored by David Chilton. I recognized immediately that this book was not of the same eschatalogical school of thought. My friend held the same position that I had, but he mentioned that the book had brought up some interesting points that were making him waver. At this I began digging into every book on the end-times that I had, while digging into all the end time scriptures that I knew so that they would be fresh in my mind. I began with books speaking directly about the book of Revelation, but I quickly realized that all of the views of Revelation are directly influenced by the persons view of the Millenium (see Revelation 20). So at this point I switched over to reading a book on the different views of the Millenium. Each position was represented by a different theologian, and then counter arguments were made by each of the theologians holding to the other views. 

When I began reading the pre-millenial view I felt an unction in my spirit to read in 2 Peter where Peter is talking about "hastening the day of God". I expected to find evidence in favor of pre-millenialism, but instead I found that Peter was fairly specifically post-millenial. This through me into a bit of mental turmoil, and a ferver for finding the truth in the Scriptures. As I dug, I found that both Peter and Paul drew no distinction between the appearing of Christ, and the final judgement (they were post-millenial in other words). 

At this I found myself frantically trying to explain each scripture, that was opposing my view. Meanwhile my respected friend had actually changed his view on the end-times! Now I was really freaking out. I began bringing out every scripture I had in favor of pre-millenialism to him, and each one would be answered with a very resonable and biblical response. After a few times of being shot down in such a way, I began viewing Scripture in the same way. By interpreting Scripture, through Scripture. It would be very lengthy to explain this all in full, but for me, I found myself finding more Scripture in favor of post-millenialism than against it. In fact, I couldn't find anything against it. 

I'll spare going into the length of the argument, but basically, now I am what they call a historical post-millenialist. This means that I believe that Jesus established his Kingdom at His first coming, that He equiped His church to progressively take dominion over all nations with the gospel, by the empowerment of his Spirit. I believe that the book of Revelation is speaking of the fall of Jerusalem in 70AD, and that time only. 

Before I came to this conclusion I had to confront a larger issue than my Scriptural arguements. I found myself actually resisting post-millenialism as if it were a personal assault. This was birthed in a place of wounding, of fear of abandonment and rejection. The mentality was that if Jesus wasn't coming soon, then I'm all alone. It's a ridiculous thought when said out, but this was the mentality that fueled my resistance to post-millenialism. 

Now that I'm embracing post-millenialism, I am finding myself so much more optimistic concerning the work that God is doing in the Earth right now and in the future. I feel so much more motivated to go take on the world for the gospel, and feel much more peace when I pray concerning the current state of our nation and world. I pray bolder, with more faith, and greater expectation of God to be good and faithful than every before. While, I am not saying that pre-millenialists cannot pray in such a way, and have the same hope, my experience is that pre-millenialism hindered me from truely embracing this, although it did not keep me from professing it. 

I have so much more I could say on the subject, but I'm going to end here. Our views of the end-times effects our expression now, so it is worth mentioning that my view has changed now so that future posts may make more sense.

...all for now.

 At this point I'm not even going to make any excuses for not posting more often. I'm going to attempt to post more often, but I can't promise anything. (of course, it would really be a promise to myself...so if I don't pull through, I think I'd understand.)

I've noticed a trend in my life lately that I think is worth writing out. It's not something new, or problematic, just something I realize that I've been well acquainted with in my saved life. Death. Not physical death or a spirit of death, mind you, but death just the same. I've noticed that from the time that I first truly came into a relationship with Jesus that I've had to put so many things to death. 

To the regular church goer this may sound like a "duh" statement, but I'm not talking about merely dying to your flesh. We've all heard the sermons on putting to death our flesh and it's sinful ways, and I'm not disagreeing with that in any way, but the reality is that your flesh is already dead in sin, so what is left is to be raised in Christ. To put off the old man, and to be resurrected in the new man (and I'm not talking about after Jesus returns). This is an inescapable fact of the Christian life. If our old selves are not being put to death, then how in the world do we expect to be raised again. The living don't need raising. But this is not the point I want to get into...

What I have noticed throughout my Christian life is what seems to be an unusual amount of sacrificial deaths. I say it seems unusual because I don't hear many people talking about going through the same experiences very often, and some people have actually asked me how it's done (apparently the very few people who I've talked to about these processes have talked to others). But the irony of it all is that to me it seems like such a simple process. Difficult, yes, but simple. It's not something to brag about, so please don't misunderstand me to be boasting in my ability to die. That's a ridiculous thought. But do understand that I will boast in what God has done through these deaths.

To set a context, and the way I first understood the concept, is in Genesis 22:2. God told Abraham, "Take your son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering." Isaac was the son of promise, and yet the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice him. In Hebrews 11:19 we see that Abraham obeyed because he trusted that God could raise his son from the dead, and that because the ram was given in his son's place he had essentially received his son back from the dead. This is the heart of sacrificial death. That God can be trusted. 

In modern life this is worked out in different ways for different people. Personally, it's not always the "son of promise" that is being put to death, but the heart of the matter is the same. I'm of the school of thought that when God speaks something to me, I'm to be obedient until He says otherwise. So, of course, there have been plenty of times in my immaturity when I believed God had spoken a direction or word into my life and I was obedient to it, but it turned out not to be Him (nothing unscriptural or rebellious of course...just gray). What I have discovered through my mistakes in those area's, however, is that God is faithful to His true word. This is why almost every major word or vision the Lord gives me eventually gets put right up on the alter. Move over Isaac.

I'm not going to say sacrifice is my first reaction (although it used to be), because that would be more like divination than truly trusting God. Rather, I receive everything that prudence allows, and once I've embraced it and even become comfortable with it, as Abraham loved his son, more often than not God asks me to give it up to Him. I've been through this about a half dozen times over the past 6 years that I've been saved. Its been a consistent but not frequent event, so understand that this is not something done lightly or hastily. It's not fun. It's not pleasant. It's not easy. But it is good and fruitful and I don't regret a single death. 

Mt. Moriah, the site that Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac, is the same site that Solomon built the Temple. I could go off on all the symbolism and parallels between the Temple, Abraham's ram, and Jesus, but I will spare it for times sake. But it is good to keep in mind.

To sacrifice to the Lord is to say that you trust Him fully. In the Church we often "sacrifice" things that are sinful or distracting, but in reality we are just judging our lives as we should. A true sacrifice for the redeemed is to trust the Lord wholly with our whole lives, which includes the words the Lord has spoken to us. When the Lord asks me to give something up that I believe He had given, there's the temptation to fall into doubts and condemnation that I was in rebellion by mishearing Him, but the reality is that as long as we are openly seeking His heart and His desires there can be no rebellion. Whether He asks for the sacrifice because you are mistakenly out of His will, or because He's calling us deeper, the only acceptable response is to give it to Him with a heart of trust.

I've seen false words die where they should, and I've seen dead promises raised again, and each one declares His faithfulness. So I guess the point of all this is to say, trust the Lord by life or by death. If we insist on only trusting Him by life, we hinder ourselves from being able to experience the true faithfulness of God, and are more prone to be lead astray by false words that may have the appearance of godliness.....if any of this make sense. haha

...all for now.

 I'm going to start with saying, I'm completely ridiculous. Although, this isn't a revelation to myself, or likely a surprise to anyone who knows me, it's worth stating this fact. As I was about to write here I decided it would be worth while to look over a few past posts to see if I'm being completely random in my topics. Even though the are spaced out over several months there is a common theme to them all. I need to relinquish control.

The other day I was driving, being pretty frustrated with life in general, when I came to a breaking point. I was really hung up on how inadequate I am in every area of my life when I remembered that this was nothing new. I have been really struggling with having vision for my life because I really don't know what God has planned for me. I know plenty of "missions" (things that He has for me to accomplish), but I haven't been able to find my baseline, the expression that I move out of. The break really came when I realized that my inadequacy and my lack of vision were the same problem. 

The fact is that I am inadequate, always have been inadequate, and always will be inadequate in my own strength. My lack of vision for my expression lies in my inability to see God moving through me. If I'm relying on myself, I can accomplish certain things, but nothing of worth and that leaves me discouraged. When I change my perspective, however, and think of what God can accomplish through inadequate vessels, the weight of my calling shifts to His shoulders. So, when I reached my breaking point I gave up. I gave up my inadequacy for His grace.

2 Corinthians 9:8 says, "God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work." Without His grace we are entirely insufficient to accomplish His good works. He has planned it that way because He created us to be His partner (His Bride), not His servants. He has myriads of angels to serve Him, but He created man to be weak so that He could have someone to work with Him. It's amazing really.

This in mind, now I need to conform to this revelation. Grace is available if I'll receive it. I can only receive it if I 1) recognize my need for it,  2) recognize God is eager to give it, and 3) recognize that it was Jesus' work on the Cross that made a way for it. The Cross is not just about salvation, but it is our entry into the family of the Godhead as sons. As a son of God I am not subject to the inadequacy of man inasmuch as I am operating in the grace of God. His grace began its work by conquering the inadequacy of death in my life, so how much more will it conquer my inadequacy in every other work God has planned. 

This is why I'm so ridiculous. With such a grace available to me, why would I want to ignore it by retaining control. So, I'm trying to give up control in every area of my life, but I trust His grace to actually accomplish it (if that makes sense). I'm so glad God is much bigger than we can imagine. 

...all for now.